Monday, July 29, 2013

Our Eternal Family

I have never been good at blogging, but I think it's important for my family to have this years down the road.

 Last July Aaron, Cordellia, and I traveled across the country to move to Fort Lauderdale Florida, as Aaron was to start optometry school in August. We were so excited and scared, but eager to move on with this part of life. I was 12 weeks pregnant with our little boy when we moved out here, so there were changes all over the place. We finally got settled in, with a huge thanks to my parents who are serving as mission presidents out here. The fall quickly passed by as Aaron finished up his first semester, Cordy was potty-trained, and I grew very fast. We were so excited for Christmas to come because our little guy would be here early January. Family came for Christmas, and we loved all of the company, but I just couldn't shake the anxiety the began setting in as our little guy's due date grew closer.

 Just as Aaron's second semester started our little boy Everett Lyle King was born on January 11th via c-section. We were heartbroken, and so lost in finding out that he had quite a few health problems, that would keep him from living on this earth for very long. Those moments are some of the worst any parent can ever imagine. I have never been so confused and frustrated knowing that I couldn't keep my perfect little boy. We spent hours and hours in the NICU soaking up every bit of time we could have with him. We got to hold him and love him, and spend hours holding his little hands through his little isolet. It was so hard to not have him in my arms like we were planning, free from his tubes and wires....His nurses and doctors couldn't have been more loving, caring, and inspired, after 18 long, but oh too short of days in the NICU they gave us the OK that we could bring him home with us. We were so excited to have our family all together, to just be a family (Cordy wasn't allowed to spend much time in the NICU).

Bringing him home, was amazing, but also so hard: knowing that the time we had wouldn't be enough, it would never be enough. I can truly say that we had a little bit of heaven on earth though: having our babies together. As a mom there is nothing better than to see my children love each other. So much of our little boy's life on this earth is sacred, and we hold it so close to our hearts. We had a little over 5 days at home with our angel before his Heavenly Father called him back home. Life has never been so hard....

 Life is oh so hard. It's hard to sleep, hard to wake-up to a reality you were hoping was just a nightmare, hard to go to the grocery store, hard to talk to friends or even family, hard to cook, or all hurts, and at times it makes me so bitter and just ready to give up.....But through these sleepless nights, never ending streams of tears, and a heart and arms that ache to hold and love my sweet little boy, I have found that my Heavenly Father loves me. I know that as much as I ache and long for my baby, somehow he needed him more than I do, which is hard to imagine, but I have learned I need to trust him. I have gained a testimony of the Plan of Salvation, I KNOW I will see and hold my angel again, and I fight through the tears with that knowledge, that he is mine for eternity. 

Everything is hard, everything hurts, and I hate that it all hurts, I sometimes try to fight that fact that this is my new life, but I am trying so hard to be at peace with it. To put my trust in God, and know that his plan is perfect. The pain can just be so immense at times, and I have never felt more alone than I have these past 6 months. It's strange how life is so different, we were so carefree and happy. I miss that. It's hard to make friends here because no one gets me, I don't even get me. I feel so fragile at times, I long for love and support and hugs, and whenever someone does have the courage to hug me or genuinely ask how I am, I just breakdown.

 Through this all, and so much more, I have found a deeper love for both of my babies, a purer, and even greater love, as well as for my husband. I have come to know without a doubt that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me, and that every detail in our son's short earthly life was orchestrated by him. I hold onto this as I begin another month of working on becoming strong, because that is the only option I have right now.

These are some quotes I have read over and over again this past 6 months, I'm not sure of the authors though, I will have to look them up

-I can do hard things

-This is my new life, and even at times it doesn't feel 'oh so good' it truly is

-Gratitude on a daily basis means we express appreciation for what we have NOW without qualification for what we had in the past or desire in the future

-Expect nothing, appreciate everything

-There is a sacred relationship between suffering and spirituality

-We should not ask God to lighten our loads, but to strengthen our backs

1 comment:

Tara Schrock said...

Oh Brenna, I am so glad I thought to check your blog after I wrote in mine today! Beautiful words, you left me drinking in every one of them. I so loved every minute I got to spend with you in July, it really went too fast. I hope that I didn't over step with any questions, or that I didn't miss out on asking more than I did. You are such a special person, and I am in awe of you. There is a reverence to the way you even carry yourself lately that makes me think of how special a mom you are. Please know that you are anything but weak or even lost. My Brenna is strong, has a thoughtful heart, very talented, adorned with beautiful freckles and has model legs. She has soft hands that seem to never do anything 'roughly' or hastingly. She makes beautiful things with them. Her house is divine and kept up to invite thought and friends. She looks after her children with pride and joy and concern. She has a very cute silliness that can come out if you know how to coax it, I just love her :)